Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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