There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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