O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
