Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize