and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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