That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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