eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
