4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
