I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
