apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
