apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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