There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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