Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize