my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Randomize
