I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
