Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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