Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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