I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Acid is not a monday night drug
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
