I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
