does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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