So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
