Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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