i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
