the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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