i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
bring money and cleavage
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
