I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Randomize