if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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