god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Randomize
