you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
