Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
