I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
