Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
