i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
