I wish my penis had an off switch
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
