Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
