I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
