thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
