Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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