My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
