I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
