Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
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