I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I didn't shave. On purpose
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
