Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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