I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
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