I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
