he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
