operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
