you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
