i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
