His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
