can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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