Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Randomize
