I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
