Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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