He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
