Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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