you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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