if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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