Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
